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    The only problem? The clear solution was not to cancel my trip, but to instead bring along my sister, Scarlett.

    My sister and I are very close. Two years younger than I am, she and I do everything together and tell each other everything.

    Scarlett, a curator as a museum in the Chicago area, is a bit more conservative than I am the bar is very low, keep in mind , but is always up for an adventure.

    We were both ready to let loose and have a good time. We arrived at Desire Riviera Maya near Cancun, and were greeted with champagne by the hotel's concierge and manager.

    We sipped our drinks, as they explained the rundown of the hotel's rules and events, then were escorted to our room by our personal butler yes, personal butler.

    It was luxe , with a giant personal jacuzzi, an expansive rainforest shower, and immaculate marble floors. I stripped immediately.

    I love being naked. After a few days at Desire, I never want to swim in a bathing suit again. There were actually four couples going at it in various positions—and vigorously at that!

    But she was on Team Naked as soon as the bubbles hit her bloodstream, running right out the sliding glass doors in the buff.

    No one at Desire was awkward about the whole nude thing. You could be as naked or as not naked as you chose to be. We wandered the beaches and pools in sarongs, then would take them off when we got to our seating area.

    Most people just ambled around completely naked. We sat naked in our personal beachside cabana, swam naked in the ocean, and then afterward, popped naked into our personal Jacuzzi.

    There is so much to do at this resort and its sister resort, Pearl, more on that below. There are nightly theme-parties, a giant hot tub lounge where people have a lot of sex note: I did NOT go in there because that is folliculitis waiting to happen , multiple restaurants, and a fabulous pool.

    The food is ridiculous. There are amazing restaurants at both resorts; cuisine varies from Italian to seafood.

    We had one of the most incredible bruschetta mix plates of our lives on this trip, along with lobster as the main course.

    We drank approximately 76 glasses of champagne that day, then went to a lavish dinner of steak and chocolate. You can have as much food as you want.

    You do, however, have to wear clothes when dining at the restaurants. After dinner, we went back to our hotel room, drunk as lushes on spring break, and promptly passed out at 10pm.

    But we realized why everyone wanted to know—it was because we were a fantasy. Such is life. The second night we decided to have a three course meal by the sea—one of the many romantic and sensual add-ons available at Desire.

    One option was make-your-own-porno, wherein a real videographer would come and film you having sex with your partner.

    After our romantic dining experience, we made our way to the show on the main piazza. Desire puts on a show every evening and female guests seem to get very into the theme, dressing in sexy costumes and mesh clothing.

    The true spectacle was not the highly talented pole dancer, however, nor the feather bikini clad strippers, but Lisa, a very drunk, very exuberant hotel guest.

    Lisa volunteered for everything. She climbed into a prop bathtub and had champagne drank out of her snatch. But more impressive even than Lisa, was a couple in their mid-seventies.

    Both card carrying members of the AARP, the woman had her breasts completely out of a top that ended just beneath them.

    Her seemingly demure husband wore a fanny-pack, cargo shorts, and a Hawaiian shirt. They go to Desire and resorts like it on the regular.

    They regaled me with a story of a gang bang on a prior visit, during which Sheila serviced several men while Bernie watched.

    I learned nothing on this trip if not that penises are as unique as snowflakes. Extremely hungover, Scarlett and I spent the next day swimming and sunbathing.

    Being in the pool at Desire was like being the human manifestation of Saturn, surrounded by a ring of dongs. It was a buffet of naked men, all with vastly varying penis sizes.

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    Sure, things have changed. The couples here are woman and man. Why is it on your agenda? Why are you so troubled? Put down the heckles and weaponry.

    Back then, you know, it was different. So here are the picture of love among old married couples — not all old, not all married. We know. We just like to believe they are.

    Please consider making a donation to our site. We don't want to rely on ads to bring you the best of visual culture.

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    You could be as naked or as not naked as you chose to be. We wandered the beaches and pools in sarongs, then would take them off when we got to our seating area.

    Most people just ambled around completely naked. We sat naked in our personal beachside cabana, swam naked in the ocean, and then afterward, popped naked into our personal Jacuzzi.

    There is so much to do at this resort and its sister resort, Pearl, more on that below. There are nightly theme-parties, a giant hot tub lounge where people have a lot of sex note: I did NOT go in there because that is folliculitis waiting to happen , multiple restaurants, and a fabulous pool.

    The food is ridiculous. There are amazing restaurants at both resorts; cuisine varies from Italian to seafood.

    We had one of the most incredible bruschetta mix plates of our lives on this trip, along with lobster as the main course. We drank approximately 76 glasses of champagne that day, then went to a lavish dinner of steak and chocolate.

    You can have as much food as you want. You do, however, have to wear clothes when dining at the restaurants. After dinner, we went back to our hotel room, drunk as lushes on spring break, and promptly passed out at 10pm.

    But we realized why everyone wanted to know—it was because we were a fantasy. Such is life. The second night we decided to have a three course meal by the sea—one of the many romantic and sensual add-ons available at Desire.

    One option was make-your-own-porno, wherein a real videographer would come and film you having sex with your partner.

    After our romantic dining experience, we made our way to the show on the main piazza. Desire puts on a show every evening and female guests seem to get very into the theme, dressing in sexy costumes and mesh clothing.

    The true spectacle was not the highly talented pole dancer, however, nor the feather bikini clad strippers, but Lisa, a very drunk, very exuberant hotel guest.

    Lisa volunteered for everything. She climbed into a prop bathtub and had champagne drank out of her snatch. But more impressive even than Lisa, was a couple in their mid-seventies.

    Both card carrying members of the AARP, the woman had her breasts completely out of a top that ended just beneath them. Her seemingly demure husband wore a fanny-pack, cargo shorts, and a Hawaiian shirt.

    They go to Desire and resorts like it on the regular. They regaled me with a story of a gang bang on a prior visit, during which Sheila serviced several men while Bernie watched.

    I learned nothing on this trip if not that penises are as unique as snowflakes. Extremely hungover, Scarlett and I spent the next day swimming and sunbathing.

    Being in the pool at Desire was like being the human manifestation of Saturn, surrounded by a ring of dongs. It was a buffet of naked men, all with vastly varying penis sizes.

    The crown jewel of the pool scene was a rather rotund man in his sixties with a truly astonishing Prince Albert a penis piercing, for the uninitiated.

    After two nights at Desire Riviera, we were off to the second location: Desire Pearl, about 20 minutes away by taxi, on another part of the coast.

    This hotel is smaller and much more romantic, geared towards nudist couples who just want to be naked with themselves, rather than sex partying and swingers though that is a component.

    We were assigned the penthouse I know, so bougie. We loved it. We had a terrace that overlooked the ocean, a marble bathtub that was basically invented for Instagram, and our own personal hot pool.

    Not exactly the most humble of experiences, but certainly blessed. A little up there, but this is an all-inclusive resort; all the food, drinks, and fun are free.

    We began our stay with a couples massage from two sexy masseurs. But I was entirely wrong; No happy endings were had though Scarlett later told me she was having the exact same thoughts.

    The spa—and the hotel in general—is not that kind of place. Our second-to-last night, we knew we had to rage out.

    We decided to just play into the twin theme that had followed us everywhere. At the disco, we met an incredibly interesting Dutch couple who had been together for nearly 25 years.

    We drunkenly ordered pizza to our room and invited them upstairs.

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